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 Patricia Hughes
Enough
by Patricia Hughes is a personal account of surviving an abusive
relationship. "How can this be happening? How did love turn into
abuse and violence? These are the questions Patricia Hughes continually asked
herself. Like so many women, she stayed in an abusive marital relationship,
convinced that she somehow was responsible. In Enough, she writes
powerfully of being pulled into the cyclical vortex of fear, abuse, giving in,
forgiving. But Patricia Hughes did escape the nightmare and has built a new
life." Enough Spinifex Press 2004
Patricia
Hughes was born in Brisbane and has become a full time writer after having
started her career six years ago with her best selling narrative, Daughters
of Nazreth. She followed her success with another non-fiction named Enough
and now has moved onto crime thrillers, something she has always wanted to do.
Patricia now lives on the Gold Coast where she has based her new crime novel,
Out of the Ashes, released in October through Zeus Publishers. She has just
completed a sequel to this latest thriller to be released next year.
To view "Enough" a speech given by Patricia
Hughes in
Perth
at the Amnesty International Conference for Violence against
Women
as well as The Queen Street Mall launch see The
Leading Issues Journal November 2004 edition.
Interview
with Patricia Hughes
What
would you like to see change in the major political parties’ responses to
assisting women who have experienced domestic violence?
As
with most governments, they handle the situation with a ‘band-aid’ effect
but I think this is because their hands are tied. Provision is made
at the moment for victims to be moved to a safe place and offered support and
counselling and if we are realistic, this is probably the extent of their
ability. They can’t make the perpetrators stop abusing and they
can’t stop a lot of the women from going back to their abusers.
All they can do is pick up the pieces by offering their support.
Ultimately, we all have to be responsible for our own actions, as do they
abusers. We have to be able to look at ourselves objectively and
decide whether we want to take the abuse or leave. When we do leave,
the governments can then step in with the help needed. If I have any
criticism at all, it would be the level of funding that is available.
It is at a bare minimum.
What
are your feelings about the way the Australian legal system deals with victims
and perpetrators of domestic violence?
As
a past victim, I was truly shocked at the leniency that my abuser received.
When you stop and think about it, it is actually assault but for some reason,
domestic violence doesn’t get the same reaction. Possibly this is
because it happens in your home and with no witnesses and more times than not,
the women don’t press charges. We all know that is because the
women are scared of infuriating an already out-of-control man but it is also the
reason why law enforcement officers throw their hands up in despair.
Another reason is shame and even as I say that, I don’t know why it is we feel
shame. Abuse is the other person’s lack of control, not ours. More
severe penalties by a judicial system is a good deterrent for any offenders.
What
do you see as being the impact of domestic violence on children who are in the
same environment? What observations can you draw from the research done in
this area?
We
all try to save our children from the horrors of violence especially in our own
home and this is no different. They are the real victims here
because they are innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever and have no control of
their life. We, as women, can choose to leave our abusers or choose to
stay. Our children don’t have that luxury. They are
dependant on our choices whether
they want to stay or go. They have no choice.
What
avenues of assistance are open to children who are the victims of domestic
violence be it in a direct or indirect way?
As
with women, children have access to counsellors at their disposal but I think
most women will agree with me, that prevention is better than a cure.
Taking them away from this abuse and not allowing the continued exposure of this
violence to them in the first place is by far better than years of sitting with
a counsellor trying to make sense out of a horrendous experience.
Can
you comment on your experience of writing “Enough.”
Writing
this book has been a therapy for me on its own. It has allowed me to
put everything into perspective and to see it for what it was: a situation that
was not my fault. It
has allowed me to sit back and use it as positive re-enforcement and say ‘I was
a victim but I’m not anymore. I’m a survivor.
What
has been the response to your book?
There has been a great deal of resistance
to Enough and it’s purely because of the subject matter. Domestic
Violence is one of those ‘nasty’ subjects that people avoid.
Most book sellers are happy to order the book in for you but they are reluctant
to have it sitting on their shelves. The main reason for this is despite
the fact that it is a self-help book and I’ve been told well written, the
women who need to read it, find it too hard to go in to the shops and ask for
it because of the shame they feel. They don’t want to be labelled
a ‘victim of domestic violence’.
Why
do you feel that the crime of domestic violence against women is under-reported?
Shame
keeps a lot of women quiet. Domestic violence is an attempt to dominate
and control and this mistreatment breaks down defences leaving the women with
very little self-esteem and self-worth which helps to keep them silent.
Also, like rape, domestic violence usually happens with no witnesses and
unfortunately, most women have nowhere else to go. So they put up
with the abuse in the hope that it is a one-off or two-off situation. This
only makes things worse because they create more pain for themselves in the way
of loneliness.
Are
there common attributes associated with the men who are perpetrators of domestic
violence?
Abusive
men seem to share certain characteristics. Some forms of abuse are
subtle and can easily be denied but aggression, anger, intimidation,
manipulation and control are the main patterns of abusive behaviour. It is
an attempt to establish control over its victim. Victims, however,
avoid coming to terms with the abuse because there is usually an attentive stage
filled with regrets and promises: reasons to deny the abuse is happening.
But during this stage, the abuse is rising and tension increases. They can
appear kind, affectionate, sensitive, and thoughtful, showing social charm and a
winning personality but can also show selfishness or a lack of empathy for
others. They have a low level of tolerance for the mistakes of
others and are quick to anger over trivial matters. Perfection is
expected, leading the women to impossible standards. Their behaviour
is inconsistent keeping their victims unsure and afraid to make any decisions in
case this leads to another bout of violence. They can also appear
protective and concerned for your welfare but ultimately this leads to a
possessiveness that leaves the women unable to make independent decisions on
their own. And they take no blame for any mishaps that happen.
Abusers often blame circumstances, life and even their victims for their own
reaction to stress and their intensity of emotions and lack of emotional control
are danger signals that should be noted.
Are
there common attributes associated with women who are the victims of domestic
violence?
Women
, as a whole, are peacemakers
and this is probably one of the reasons that abusers find it easy to manipulate
them. We live in a male oriented society where men are dominant and
regarded as the ‘boss’. Todays women have been exposed to past
generations that look at the men as the head of the family. We have
grown up with this and it is very hard to break the pattern of acceptance.
What women need to do is to realise that this does not mean that men are
permitted to be aggressive and that a modern relationship is a partnership with
both parties allowed their views and opinions.
In
your book, you speak of physical, verbal, psychological and social abuse. How do
you see yourself interacting in a social situation when subtle or overt
derogatory comments against women are insinuated with humour and sarcasm?
Do you feel that women need to raise their voices against such remarks even
though they are put forward frivolously? Why?
You
will always get people who say ‘it’s her own fault’ for going back.
The trouble is these people don’t realise that in these women’s minds, there
is no where else to go. People not directly involved do not see
domestic violence as the serious social problem it is and although it does no
good to be complacent about derogatory remarks, it also does no good to let them
slide. Voicing your opinion is your prerogative and right and you
have a right to be heard. If nothing is said, then the issue stays
in the background.
Do
you feel the question, “How will I survive financially?” How will I take
care of my children?” are the critical questions in a woman’s mind that
leaves her feeling helpless and powerless to do anything but return to the
abusive relationship? How do you advise women who feel that they are
incapable of surviving financially if they left the abuser?
A
lot of women decide to stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons.
One is economic dependence. They may have children and their husband
is the sole provider and they have no income of their own. Some decide to
stay because we know that domestic violence is an attempt to maintain control
and this mistreatment breaks down self-esteem after being told time and time
again how useless they are. The decision to stay is overpowering and
inevitable. Another is they are justifiably scared that they will be
abused if they stay and followed by an enraged man is they go and they find
themselves in a Catch 22 situation. Some women hate and love
their abusers at the same time. Anger, confusion, fear and hurt all create
a turmoil of emotions. What some people don’t know is that abusers
can be remorseful after every episode. These women are confused by
this show of love and willingly stay to feel that warmth and acceptance. We
all crave love and that is another reason why some women stay.
What
is your answer to the question you pose in “Enough”
:
How did love turn into abuse and violence?
That
is a hard question. How does
love turn into abuse and violence? My only feelings on that, and
this is purely from my own experience, is that it was never true love in the
beginning. It was a relationship based on manipulation, control, anger and
submission. That is not love.
What
was the turning point for you when you felt that you had had ‘Enough’ of the
abuse?
My
‘enough’ was long coming. Like many women, I thought I had
caused his mood changes. If only I didn’t say that or if only I didn’t
do that. I knew the relationship wasn’t ideal but I had hoped it
had potential because he wasn’t always abusive. He could be kind and
loving. It took me a while to see that it was just an act and another way
of manipulating me into doing what he wanted with no thoughts or feelings for
me. Unfortunately, some of us have to nearly lose my lives before we
realise that they will never change. It took the advice from a
doctor to finally make me understand what I was doing with my life and my
children’s future. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t
think of that doctor and thank him.
How
is life for you and your boys now? Do you feel that the pain of your 18 months
experience of domestic violence diminishes with time?
Nothing
will ever make the memories go away. And that is a good thing.
Never try to forget what you went through. Use it as reinforcement
that it is something you’ve overcome and be proud of your achievement.
Think of yourself as a survivor and remember that being a punching bag for
someone is something you will never go back to. You are a survivor!
In my book, I have listed seven steps but I think the final one is vital.
Learning to move forward. I have learnt that not all men are abusive
and trusting is a natural emotion. I have moved forward in my own life and
I am now happily married. The memories will never fade but I don’t
dwell on them now. I have learnt to accept that things happened to
me but it’s in the past now. I’ve managed to put it behind me
and concentrate on the future rather than the past and that life can be
rewarding and fulfilling.
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